i felt as though i had been caught in the act of stealing the british empire. i wrote a hasty letter to the owner, told him i admired his politics, but had never hoped to steal his umbrella; then hailed a cab, and took the umbrella and the note to the nearest dispatch office. he was very nice about it, and in returning my own umbrella took all the blame on himself. what, he said, between the noble-looking gentleman who thrust a hat on my head, and the second noble-looking gentleman who handed me a coat, and the third noble-looking gentleman who put an umbrella in my hand, and the fourth noble-looking gentleman who flung me into a carriage, i hadnt the least idea what i was taking. i was too bewildered by all the noble flunkeys to refuse anything that was offered me. be it observed, it was the name on the umbrella that saved the situation in this case. that is the way to circumvent the man with an umbrella conscience. i see him eyeing his exchange with a secret joy; then he observes the name and address and his solemn conviction that he is an honest man does the rest. after my experience to-day, i think i will engrave my name on my umbrella. but not on that baggy thing standing in the corner. i do not care who relieves me of that. it is anybodys for the taking. on talking to ones self i was at dinner at a well-known restaurant the other evening when i became aware that some one sitting alone at a table near by was engaged in an exciting conversation with himself. as he bent over his plate his face was contorted with emotion, apparently intense anger, and he talked with furious energy, only pausing briefly in the intervals of actual mastication. many glances were turned covertly upon him, but he seemed wholly unconscious of them, and, so far as i could judge, he was unaware that he was doing anything abnormal. in repose his face was that of an ordinary business man, sane and self-controlled, and when he rose to go his agitation was over, and he looked like a man who had won his point. it is probable that this habit of talking to ones self has a less sinister meaning than it superficially suggests. it may be due simply to the energy of ones thought and to a concentration of mind that completely shuts out the external world. in the case i have mentioned it was clear that the man was temporarily detached from all his surroundings, that he was so absorbed by his subject that his eyes had ceased to see and his ears to hear. he was alone with himself, or perhaps with his adversary, and he only came back to the present with the end of his dinner and the paying of his bill. he was like a man who had emerged from another state of consciousness, from a waking sleep filled with tumultuous dreams. obviously he was unaware that he had been haranguing the room in quite an audible voice for half an hour, and i daresay that if he were told that he had the habit of talking to himself he would deny it as passionately as you (or i) would deny that you (or i) snore in our sleep. and he would deny it for precisely the same reason. he doesnt know. and here a dreadful thought assails me. what if i talk to myself, too? what if, like this man, i get so absorbed in the drama of my own mind that i cannot hear my own tongue going nineteen to the dozen? it is a disquieting idea. a strong conviction to the contrary, i see, amounts to nothing. this man, doubtless, had a strong conviction to the contraryprobably expressed an amused interest in any one talking to himself as he passed him in the street. and the fact that my friends have never told me of the failing goes for nothing also. they may think i like to talk to myself. more probably, they may know that i do not like to hear of my failings. i must watch myself. but, no, that wont do. i might as well say i would watch my dreams and keep them in check. how can the conscious state keep an eye on the unconscious? if i do not know that i am talking how can i stop myself talking? ah, happy thought. i recall occasions when i have talked to myself, and have been quite conscious of the sound of my voice. they have been remarks i have made on the golf links, brief, emphatic remarks dealing with the perversity of golf clubs and the sullen intractability of golf balls. those remarks i have heard distinctly, and at the sound of them i have come to myself with a shock, and have even looked round to see whether the lady in the red jacket playing at the next hole was likely to have heard me or (still worse) to have seen me. i think this is evidence conclusive, for the man who talks to himself habitually never hears himself. his words are only the echo of his thoughts, and they correspond so perfectly that, like a chord in music, there is no dissonance. it was thus with the art student i saw copying a picture at the tate gallery. ah, a little more blue, he said, as he turned from the original to his own canvas, and a little later: yes, that line wants better drawing. several people stood by watching his work and smiling at his uttered thoughts. he alone was unconscious that he had spoken. there are, it is true, cases in which the conscious and unconscious states seem to minglein which the intentional word and the unintentional come out almost in the same breath. it was so with thomas landseer, the father of sir edwin. he was one day visiting an artist, and inspecting his work. ah, very nice, indeed! he said to his friend. excellent colour; excellent! then, as if all around him had vanished, and he was alone with himself, he added: poor chap, he thinks he can paint! and this instance shows that whether the habit is a mental weakness or only a physical defect it is capable of extremely awkward consequences, as in the case of the banker who was ruined by unwittingly revealing his secrets while walking in the street. how is it possible to keep a secret or conduct a bargain if your tongue is uncontrollable? what is the use of jones explaining to his wife that he has been kept late at the office if his tongue goes on to say, entirely without his knowledge or consent, that had he declared no trumps in that last hand he would have been in pocket by his evening at the club? i see horrible visions of domestic complications and public disaster arising from this not uncommon habit